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2016 in Review

1.2.17
I can reflect in the car
I can reflect in the shower
But on paper it’ll take me
Five million hours
I’m feeling a little Dr. Seuss inspired as I finally force myself to sit and write what’s been gurgling around for days, even weeks. I tried to force myself to do this yesterday, but another Gilmore Girls binge was more enticing, as you can imagine.


2016 was a hell of a year. It was the year I decided to stop being numb. When I let go of staying in neutral, it opened the flood levies for whatever came rushing behind it, and I just prayed it wouldn’t drown me.
When I finally let go of what I’ve spent years and years patching and building, what came rushing in was intense growth, struggle, triumph, disappointment, success, courage, failure, acceptance, risks, regret, fear, bravery, and all the other things we hope we can be, or hope we never have to be, until we actually have to be them, and then we want to run like hell.


As I reread over that list of everything I’ve had to be this year, I’m reminded of the memorial speech I gave for my father this past September, when I stated that my dad asked us all to stretch, and push beyond ourselves, and be bigger than we thought we could be. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this year I’ve felt my dad’s presence more intensely than ever before. This year has stretched me, and pushed me, sometimes more than I thought I could handle. It’s easy to go back to neutral, but I can’t.


I’ve learned more about myself this year than the past three years combined, and it means I can ask more of myself. I’ve gone out of my comfort zone more times in 2016 than I can count. I finally understood the meaning of being good enough, but wanting to be better. I said fuck you to the five year plan. I’m challenging adulthood, and those shitty timelines. Five years from now I want to read this reflection, and think, wow, I didn’t know shit then, but I sure was brave with my life.


A lot of what happened this year was internal, and might not sound like climbing Mt. Everest to anyone else, but it was to me.
. ceasing to be numb
. loving my nephew
. crying at a funeral
. breaking up with someone I love
. traveling in a plane, and a boat, both of which had issues
. running 5ks
. reconnecting with, and reaching out to old friends
. jumping off a cliff on a zipline
. playing sports with people I don’t know
. initiating painfully vulnerable conversations
. writing and reading a memorial speech
. going on an impromptu trip
. deciding to be alone
. allowing emotions
. doing it scared
. doing it brave
. listening to my gut
. questioning the state I live in
. deciding I don’t need a five year plan
. saying yes
. saying no
. easing anxiety
. committing
. letting go
. knowing I’m imperfect and good enough
. knowing I could never really be loved by someone else until I realized that
. accepting I’ll make mistakes, and I’m still good enough
. wanting the fairytale
. getting angry
. accepting I might not find my partner for years, if at all
. accepting I may not have kids, or even want them
. planning a trip for summer 2017 that I’m both terrified and excited about
. going solo to events
. drinking less
. realizing I don’t need someone else to fix me
. realizing I don’t want someone else to fix me
. realizing I can be bigger than any limitations I have of myself

So yes, 2016 was one hell of a year. As 2017 begins, I’m here, paddle in hand, ready for whatever comes next beyond the flood gates.

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